ChRiStyz - memoirs

Rock.........Hard place..............Me (lol)

2010-09-20T10:31:00.000-07:00

These days............ life is just soooo monotonous that if this was how the rest of my life would be like , then , what a snooze fest!!! Near and dear ones handling out good advices wherever I go don't seem to help that much either. Whatever happened to that girl who was so perfectly contented with her mellow little life...... I guess she woke up? maybe , i don't know..
Seriously! There must be more to life than this...... maybe its time to pack my bags and start moving again.........to some place new, you know, fresh start, new people etc...
But that would mean leaving a really good job (which I AM grateful to have BTW) at my own home town, to an uncertain future/place .... but shouldn't I be willing to take that risk, if I want that kind of excitement and adrenaline again? I really don't know, i'm really confused.
All i know is that right now, i feel so dead inside, i have to basically drag myself out of bed every morning........... and im so ashamed to write about this considering all the blessings i've been given,all the answered prayers, especially this year...... and i hate the way i sound right now, i sound so pathetic and so ungrateful!
But inspite of it all , ever the optimist.........I'd like to believe that there's a reason for all of this feelings and depressions......... I'd like to believe that there must be something better waiting for me , that this must be some sort of a sign that's pulling me forward......to a happier , shinier place :-))))

Wait 4 me world, i'm catching up with ya

2010-01-02T07:38:00.000-08:00

Sometimes time seems to stand still...........when you sit alone in a dark room with the eerie silence. A frenzy of thoughts start entering your mind... all the madness, the troubles, the uncertainty .Stop for a moment.........right there.........empty everything, just imagine the blackness, and just the silence.... and for a split second you feel like you can just close your eyes to eternal bliss . Then after awhile all those thoughts come racing back. And its the crazy face paced chaotic world all over again. But for just a brief moment, it was you and just your imagination taking a vacation from the madness. Sigh!!! What a crazy, wonderful world we live in. Lets embrace every second of it while we're here :-)

This long winding road

2009-05-29T11:29:00.000-07:00

I have decided to move back home for at least a year, it's so hard when you feel that you've somewhat reached a certain point in your life when you should have everything figured out.... it's sad....... cause i'm so far from doing that :-(
Sometimes it's just plain exhausting just waking up another day to face the world again. Maybe i've reached that age when challenges don't excite me anymore .... or maybe it's time to raise the stakes, reach a little bit higher. The answers don't come in a day, but i know good things comes to those who wait, and i'm definitely vouching for that :-)

complications!!

2007-12-28T06:16:00.000-08:00

I wish there's some way to vent out all these pent up frustrations!!! Why must I always complicate things further...... maybe i took a wrong turn somewhere,........ maybe i need to change to be able to adjust better.... or maybe i just need ..to start over! But i simply can't imagine doing that, not after all the things I've been through,... all the frustrations and the hard work involved .... even the few brief moments of success .....
Or maybe, i just need ...... to persevere

The first drop of rain

2007-09-08T21:59:00.000-07:00

Finally, i'm beginning to get my life back together. The pieces are slowly beginning to patch themselves up.As i look back, Things which have been happening are slowly beginning to make sense to me. It was all God's way of showing me what he had planned for my life, and i had to be tested through a series of trials to be able to understand.
I've reconnected with an old friend of mine, who's one of the most dynamic person i've come across (avanthi dear, thats u) .She's miles away, but very close to my heart. Problems at home are slowly being dealt with , near and dear ones are all in good health. At this point in my life, i can look up to God and honestly say, "Thank you lord, there's nothing i could possibly want more" .

Confusions

2007-09-05T09:59:00.000-07:00

How do you get courage to expose a truth which can lead to your own humiliation? It sure is difficult to accept certain facts sometimes.......... and is it possible to learn to let go when u realize that there's no possible way of moving forward...when you realize that you've stumbled on a dead end?! When you want something to happen so badly , every fibre of your being longs to have it. You know it might not be what's right, but longing doesn't care what's right or wrong, ...instead it just WANTS!
And... how would it be possible to feel even a remote sense of satisfaction when there's that nagging reminder that there's still that crossroad ahead of you.

Turning back just a few pages

2007-09-01T13:17:00.000-07:00

Here i am again, around midnight, logging into my blog, it seems as though this is my favorite time of the day, LOL,. Anywayz, tonight , or rather, this morning, i want to write about REGRET. They say that a person who spend endless hours brooding over bad times is, by far, the most unfortunate of all. But it just can't be helped, isn't it?
There are so many things i wish i could change, so many things i wish i could undo...........
Still then , there's this person i HAVE to see, just so i can apologise, and prove how truly sorry i am. Maybe it won't change anything, or maybe it might, but the most important part is to get everything off my chest and to show my respect to a person who most certainly deserves it.
Inspite of everything , our lives just continue to stumble forward, as it always has. Circumstances just might push me in even more trying times,... and some days i may be a few paces behind. If i could just find some form of motivation to keep me going ....... maybe , ... i should be alright :-)

Disappointments!!

2007-08-26T12:53:00.000-07:00

I have always been the type of person who can maintain and hold back anger and all those pent up frustrations. I always cover them up with a nice decorative 100 watt smile. Honestly, i don't know why it's so difficult for me to just say what i feel. No one wants to live life with people stepping all over their back! Everyone wants to be a go-getter, and i'm certainly not an exception.
Today, a close relative of mine said something very rude to me about my own mother. I was shocked...at first. It was as if i wasn't really having that particular conversation ... and i was a bit dazed for a moment. But as reality slowly started creeping in, the first thing i felt was 'INSULT'. And suddenly a thousand questions started spinning in my head. Why is she telling me this? Is she playing some trick on me, just so she can make a point to my mom, without actually confronting her? Does she believe that my relationship with my mother is so shallow that i may actually take her side?
But then, like always, i just kept quite, and sucked in whatever she had to say. I let her, have HER way and i didn't even interfere, not even to defend the person i love most in this world.
Right now, i'm feeling kind of low, for not having stood up and for just faking another smile. I guess i'll always be the type of person who cries behind closed doors, the type who always seem happy ...well.. at least on the outside.
Maybe one day i'll let it all out without holding my breath. But till then , i guess covering broken pieces of glass with a beautiful wrapping paper isn't so bad ...eh? Besides how many people will guess correctly what's really inside, anyway?

Gettin started

2007-08-25T12:41:00.000-07:00

I've kept a diary since I was 9 years old. I recently read my friend's blog( an old pal i haven't seen in ages) and i was really inspired to get started on this whole blog thing(haha).Lets see... what shall i enter? It's kinda late now, 'cause a.m has taken over p.m, so it's nearly time for me to wind up.Honestly i don't know why i'm doing this, 'cause it's so much not like me at all (i'm very secretive) . However there's this urge to reach out to someone somewhere, who might be having similar experiences. Let's keep it short for now. CIAO